Up #@?$ Creek Without a Diaper

Abi will be three next month. She is still.not.potty.trained. Not even a little. We have tried off and on for the past year with no success. My well-intentioned friends and family say things like, “she will when she’s ready,” “she’s not even three yet,” and “my friend’s little girl is almost four and still poops in her pants.” None of these do anything to make me feel better. Especially the last one. I don’t get it. I consider myself a fairly competent parent. My kids eat a well-balanced diet, they rarely watch tv and I would never take them to Wal-Mart in just a diaper. I have a DEGREE in teaching for Pete’s sake. Why can’t I get that girl to pee in the big white bowl!?

A previous potty training attempt. Abi
is giving her sister a toilet paper scarf.
Or a noose. Not sure which.

I’ve read some articles on potty training friggin stubborn reluctant children. This one and this one are a couple examples. The general theme is to let them run around naked from the waist down all the time except bedtime and naptime. Because if they are wearing a diaper they know they pee/poop in it. If they are naked, there’s nothing to catch it so they are more likely to go on the toilet. And you just clean up any accidents. The idea is to do this for about a week; staying in the house or the yard so you can have them sit on the potty every 15-20 minutes. They claim you can potty train a child in 3-5 days using this method. I first read about this theory six months ago. And I thought to myself, ‘surely to Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all the saints in heaven we won’t have to resort to that. But if she’s still not potty trained by her birthday, we’ll try it.’ Well boys and girls, Abi’s birthday is in 25 days. She is still showing zero interest. She is the very last of her friends to be in diapers. And I can’t take it anymore.

So Monday morning I took her diaper off of her, told her she was a big girl now and that she could only wear a diaper at naptime and bedtime. But she could wear Big Girl Underwear if she peed in the potty. And she cried. She cried for me to put a diaper on her. I began to question myself: is she really not ready? Am I being a horrible mother right now? Am I really doing permanent and irreversible psychological damage like the random lady in Target warned me I would!? But I said a prayer for strength, channeled Michelle Duggar, Super Nanny and Erin Brokovich and remained strong. I followed “The Plan.” I stuck her on the pot every 15 minutes. And you know what happened?? After about an hour, SHE DID IT!! She was sitting on the toilet and as I walked into the kitchen I heard the most glorious sound I’ve ever heard – the tinkle tinkle of pee coming from my almost-three year old! We jumped, clapped, high fived and hugged. And then I gave her a skittle. We followed The Plan the rest of the day and she peed in the toilet four times. She also had three accidents. But I expected that. In my best calm and emotionless teacher voice I would say, “Oh, you pooped/peed on the carpet? Well poop/pee goes in the potty, not on the floor. Next time you feel like you need to poop/pee tell me and we’ll sit on the potty.” All the while in my head I’m screaming, “There’s poop on my carpet. There’s poop on my carpet. Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!!”





Never have I wished more fervently that we live in the country.
Where it is totally accepted, and normal, for kids to run around naked.



Day 2 and Day 3 went about the same. She tried every 15 minutes and was successful about four times each day. Day 2 she had three accidents again, but yesterday she only had one. I was feeling hopeful. As you can imagine, this is sort of a maddening process. You can’t leave the house. And it requires a lot of work. For about half of her accidents I think it was my fault because I got distracted and forgot to have her try. Today Abi was scheduled for a haircut at 10am. I was sooo nervous. According to The Plan, you don’t put a diaper on them even when you go out.  I had her try before we left, as soon as we got to the salon and as soon as we got back home. A kid’s haircut only takes five minutes so we weren’t even gone an hour. Success! No accidents! When we pulled in the drive pee pee pants free, I said a prayer of thanks and did a happy dance. And then she proceeded to have two accidents. Ugh.



Day 1. Big Girl Panties and her treat for a good job: a Capri Sun.



 I find myself dreaming about potty training at night. I watch the clock all day long. I am constantly trying to assess if it’s working. She still has yet to tell me on her own that she needs to pee. What does that mean!?  Is she just figuring it out still? Because obviously she is holding it 75% of the time.  Am I insane? Am I the only one? Was the Rude Target Lady right!??



So proud of her new haircut.